The Best Therapists Feel Less, Not More

As mental health professionals, and really, anyone in a helping profession, we’re praised for one quality above almost all others: empathy. It’s often called our superpower. It’s the thing that lets us sit with someone in their darkest moment and make them feel truly seen. 

But what happens when empathy goes into overdrive? When you find yourself constantly putting others before yourself, relating to every person who crosses your path, absorbing every story you hear-until one day you notice you’re sluggish, exhausted, and simply burnt out? 

This blog is about that tipping point, and what it takes to step back from it. Why is displaying too much empathy a problem? 

Merriam-Webster defines empathy as “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of another”. Vicariously experiencing-that’s the key word. 

Now imagine being a provider with a full, or overly full, caseload. You’re actively and deeply tapping into that vicarious experience, session after session. For some of us, that looks like rinse and repeat for ten hours a day, five days a week. Some might ask, “Isn’t that your job?” Absolutely. As licensed therapists, we can take real pride in creating a space where clients feel safe exploring some of the hardest moments of their lives. But what happens to that space when a provider can’t stop leaning into that role? 

Burnout, compassion fatigue, and a decline in clinical care and quality of your life can be the downfall of empathy without limits. Burnout and compassion fatigue can show up emotionally and behaviorally as irritability, mood swings, and isolation, and physically as a weakened immune system, chronic fatigue, and constant bodily tension. This experience can lead to an inability to truly connect with clients and a version of yourself outside of work that feels depleted rather than present. 

The best therapists are not the ones who feel the most. They’re the ones who’ve learned how to feel appropriately. Fully present in the room, and fully able to leave it. 

Why does this happen to so many of us? 

If overextending ourselves is so harmful, how do we get stuck here? A few different reasons: 

1. Our training- graduate school spends years on systems, modalities, and theoretical orientations, and often only a passing mention of self-care. We’re taught extensively how to hold space for others, but rarely how to protect our own.
2. Our own relationship with boundaries– some of us carry cultural and environmental messaging that prioritizes taking care of others before ourselves. This can be especially true for therapists who identify as women of color, where caretaking is often woven into identity. Saying “no” can feel unfamiliar. 
3. Confusing self-preservation for selfishness– somewhere along the way, many of us absorbed the idea that setting a limit with a client, a supervisor, or ourselves means we care less. It actually means we’re sustainable. 

Here are a few reminders of ways you can address this challenge: 

1. Practice Professional and Personal Boundaries– setting limits doesn’t make your work less valuable- it’s what makes your work possible over the long term. This starts with knowing when to take off “the hat.” 
2. Strategic scheduling- build in the buffer time, the shorter days, and the breaks between sessions. 
3. Remember your other roles-you’re a friend, a son or daughter, a caretaker, a colleague. You are NOT everyone’s therapist. Permit yourself to just be in those relationships, without slipping into the role you were trained for. 
4. Tap Into What Fills Your Cup– recovery is active and personal. Ask yourself what actually replenishes you, separate from your professional identity. 
5. Pick up the book that has absolutely nothing to do with your field. 
6. Step outside, into nature, away from screens and sessions. 
7. Eat the meal you’ve actually been craving, not the fastest one. 
8. Lean Into Supervision– supervision is one of the best tools we have for noticing the signs of burnout before they take hold. You can use it to recognize the early warning signs in yourself as you would when helping a client. You can use it to get support managing your caseload and schedule, rather than trying to make your way through it alone. 

If Nothing Else, Remember This 

Empathy is the gift that brought most of us into this work. But a gift without boundaries becomes a liability to our clients and to ourselves. The best therapists aren’t the ones who feel everything, all the time, for everyone. They’re the ones who’ve learned how to feel less enmeshed, less depleted, less robotic. Taking off “the hat” isn’t a failure of empathy. It’s what makes the empathy sustainable. 

Call to Action

If this topic hit home for you-therapy can be a helpful next step. Yes, even providers need a safe space! Reach out to our team at Mathews Counseling or call (919) 587-8018 and set up a consultation today.

By: Shanae Fragoso, LCSW