Over the last three years, I have found myself scrolling through TikTok to pass the time or detach from a long day as many people seem to do. In between the videos of beautiful travel go-to’s and people deep cleaning their houses and reorganizing to perfection, I’ve come across several takes on gentle parenting. I noted that many thought that gentle parenting was new and revolutionary while others shared that it felt like the only obvious way to parent. As I continued to watch some people’s interpretations of gentle parenting, I realized that while many had the best intentions of trying to soothe their child, others were simply allowing their children to live in a world without “no.”
In the last two years, I have come to find out from a personal experience how incredible it is to be a parent. It’s been a dream of mine for many years, and in August of 2021, my heart’s desire came true in the form of my sweet, bright-eyed baby girl. I have quickly understood on a personal level how frustrating parenting can be and how many times I have already felt like a failure. Raising a toddler is not for the weak! There’s a lot of pressure around trying to foster independence, kindness, and empathy in a little one. I knew before I ever became pregnant that I would plan to gentle parent since my natural personality and profession lends to talking things through and finding a different way of thinking and doing things. The reality is that gentle parenting can’t be an on-and-off switch nor is it easy to “just do it” every day and come out of the other side unscathed. It’s intentional and it’s difficult at times when you are overstimulated or tired or want to cry or yell right along with your kiddo. I would love to share some of the myths, mess, and marvel that comes with gentle parenting that I have learned both personally and professionally.
Myth #1- Gentle Parenting is New and Trendy!
While yes, social media makes it appear that gentle parenting is the hot new way to be a super mom or super dad, it’s been around for decades just under a different name. Maybe you’ve heard of the term free range, helicopter, new age, or disciplined parenting styles? What about the Jellyfish, Tiger, or Dolphin Parent? Many of these styles have similar traits but have been “reinvented” for the next generation of parents. Let’s break a few of them down.
The Jellyfish Parent (also known as free range or new age to some) follows a more permissive style of parenting that allows children to explore without, or with very little, negative consequence. The Jellyfish Parent often chooses to say yes to any experiences and only says no when it’s an extreme concern or issue of safety. Jellyfish Parents also don’t emphasize routine or structure but rather allow the child and their needs to set the tone and pace of the day. While Jellyfish Parenting may seem that it allows children to simply do what they want, when they want, it can foster more independent, self-motivated children to learn and voice their needs versus being told what they need. Some children may be good at naturally regulating and may not need as much intervention from a parent figure. The danger of Jellyfish Parenting is that there are not many boundaries in place giving children a misbelief that people outside of their home will also not have boundaries.
The Tiger Parent (also known as a disciplined, helicopter, or highly structured) follows a more authoritarian, routined, highly involved style of parenting. The Tiger Parent often wishes to motivate through discipline with the goal that their children be high achieving. Their word is final and there is no room for negotiation. Oftentimes, Tiger Parents are typecast as cold and over strict and not allowing their children to make mistakes. While there may be some parents who do execute this style of parenting, others may feel that they need structure to thrive and therefore need their children to follow suit. The Tiger Parent often enforces extreme boundaries that make the child feel as though there is no choice but the one their parent determines. Consequently, children of Tiger Parents are more susceptible to higher levels of anxiety and depression out of fear of disappointing or failing their parents.
The Dolphin Parent (also known as… drumroll please…gentle parenting) follows an authoritative parent style that allows their children to explore interests, needs, and wants in a flexible structured environment. The Dolphin Parent is the middle ground between the Jellyfish and Tiger Parent. The Dolphin Parent allows their child to make mistakes where consequences are natural or logical, while also giving guidance as to how to not make the same mistake in the future. Dolphin Parents often are more nurturing and attentive at the beginning of childhood to implement routine, values, and structure, but over time pull back to allow the child to make their own choices. Dolphin Parents often have different boundaries based on the individual needs of the child rather than a “one size fits all” ideal.
Myth #2- Gentle Parenting Means You Can Never Say No.
I have heard many parents tell me, “I’m not doing that gentle parenting foolery because I don’t want my kids thinking they can do whatever they want.” You can still say no! No is not a dirty word- you can (and should) set boundaries with children. Sometimes it’s about timing. “Sweetheart, 9 pm is not a good time for ice cream so no we can’t have that right now. But, we can have ice cream when we go to the park this weekend!” Is it possible that your child may have a minor meltdown? Maybe so. But at that moment, you can talk them through what they’re feeling to help them assign an emotion to the meltdown, give some insight as to “the why behind the no” and offer an alternative activity to help them re-regulate. Here’s an example of a redirect and re-regulating activity after giving a no.“Sometimes it’s hard to hear no when we really want something, huh? It can be disappointing to not always get to have ice cream, but we can have ice cream another time. Would you like to pick out a story or two before we go to bed?”
Sometimes no is about safety. “No, we will not jump off the top bunk because that could cause you to get hurt and that would make me really sad.” Safety no’s are important to explain the why because they may be influenced or tempted to make this choice without you being around someday. Explaining why does mean you’re putting forth more energy than the classic “because I said so” but there are often greater conversations and connection opportunities for you and your child as a result.
Finally, Remember that no is a complete sentence and sometimes we need to simply say no and teach our children to accept it so they can one day say it for themselves when setting boundaries. Sometimes I have to hear no to a new opportunity or tell myself no to overspending at Target. It may be disappointing at the moment, but I may get a bigger yes later on. It’s understandable to want to say yes to our children all the time, and my hope is that I get to say yes more than no to my child. I have to remind myself that accepting no is a part of life, and it’s my job to teach this lesson to my child as well.
Myth #3- “My child is going to see me fail. It’s too late for me to start gentle parenting my child(ren).”
It’s never too late to start something new, but it can be scary and frustrating to unlearn past behaviors, or in this case, parenting skills. Maybe when you feel overwhelmed or under-appreciated, you start to yell at your children. Maybe to avoid yelling, you’ve resulted in letting your children have and do what they want, but it’s making things feel a bit chaotic at home. As easy as it is to fall into our recurring habits, it’s also sometimes hard to feel like we can get out of our own way and try something different. But, hear me out, aren’t we called doing this with our children as a parent? Isn’t part of our job to get kids out of something they think is a good idea- like jumping from the couch to the coffee table, blindfolded- and thinking about a better or different way of doing things?
We already explored how gentle parenting still means you can say no, but gentle parenting also means you can make mistakes… in front of your kids… and still be respected. We are imperfect humans, raising imperfect humans, in an imperfect world… and that’s perfectly okay (L.R. Knost). Gentle parenting is not perfect parenting. Let me say that one more time- GENTLE PARENTING IS NOT PERFECT PARENTING. Admitting mistakes reminds kids you’re a human with emotions too. Your feelings can get hurt. Your emotions can get out of control. We have an opportunity to show them how to re-regulate their emotions, set boundaries, and communicate about their needs in a calm and collected manner. Here’s an example of reregulating in front of your kids. “Hey kiddo, Mom is super frustrated right now. I think I need to take a few breaths or go into my room for a minute before I can help you with homework. Sometimes grown-ups have big feelings too.”
Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever had but it’s also one of the most rewarding ones I’ve been privileged to have. Remind yourself that you aren’t on this journey alone. If you have a tribe of parents who are in the trenches with you, spend time talking to them about your ups and downs. If you don’t have a tribe that feels like a good fit, consider therapy to focus on parenting. If you’ve found yourself thinking that you’d like to start on a gentle parenting journey but feel that you need a bit more time to think it through, I would suggest looking into a few resources below. Whatever you choose, remember that you’re not alone and that this is difficult but valuable work we’re doing in raising the next generation.
Resources –
Books:
The Whole Brained Child by Daniel J.J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
Raising Good Humans by Hunter Clarke-Fields
Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy
Instagram Accounts:
Big Little Feelings
Gentle_parenting
Podcasts:
Good Inside with Dr. Becky Kennedy
The Mom Hour with Megan Fracis and Sarah Powers
Written By Amber M. Diamond Green, MA, LCMHC, NCC
All through June we are highlighting resources around Finding Joy in Parenting. If you or a loved one need professional support, our counselors at Mathews Counseling are available for appointments. Request to book today!
