Parenting can be a stressful and vulnerable process. There is a lot of joy and excitement when a baby arrives. There can also be plenty of fear, guilt, or even shame involved in the process of taking care of a newborn child. Most parents would agree that their main source of knowledge on parenting comes from the memories and dynamics they had with their parents. Most of us did not take a practical course on how to handle a newborn. Yes, plenty of parents try to prepare themselves by reading some type of ‘What to Expect’ book, however taking care of a newborn is like learning how to ride a bike. You cannot truly learn how to do it from reading a book. It requires plenty of practice and making mistakes.
Both men and women receive a lot of explicit and implicit social messages that set high and often unrealistic expectations for them as new parents. On top of that, Western culture is all about independence, competition, and achievement. Women usually receive a message to do it all perfectly and not let anyone see them sweat, while men receive a message to never ‘fail’ or show any glimpse of shame, sadness, and fear. Naturally, taking care of a newborn encompasses all of these emotions.
As a culture, we also do a poor job of helping people reflect on what their authentic needs and desires are, regardless of societal prescriptions. Thus, both men and women, but especially women, feel the pressure to take care of the house, come back to work, support their spouses, get back in shape and at the same time take care of their newborns. The pressure gets even higher in one-parent households. When emotions like shame, sadness, guilt, or fear arise, we are conditioned to keep it to ourselves while trying to ‘try harder and do better’. The problem with that is that humans are bonding with mammals. Biologically, we are wired for connection. We grow and thrive in the context of loving and supportive relationships and communities. Cutting off from emotions and chasing external standards inevitably leads to the parents’ deterioration of the body and mind.
The key to finding joy in postpartum newborn care is to become aware of the societal messages and attune to our own emotions because they will guide us toward our true needs. They will also help us determine the course of action. There is a reason why all airlines have a safety protocol ‘Put your own oxygen mask on first, before helping others’. For parents to effectively take care of their newborns, they need to feel well emotionally and physically themselves. Here are some things that may help take the pressure off the parents and bring joy into their lives:
Take your time, listen to your body, and consistently reflect on where you are in the process of recovering from giving birth. Labor significantly strains the body and can be exhausting emotionally. This process will help determine how much and the kind of assistance and support parents may need with their newborns.
Check-in with yourself regularly during the day and notice any body sensations that come up. Next, label the emotions associated with these sensations. Notice the context in which the emotion popped up. Ask yourself: ‘What is this emotion trying to tell me’. This will help you be reflective, instead of automatically reacting to a situation. Oftentimes guilt arises because we are caught between what we need and what society prescribed us to do.
Do not be afraid to ask questions of your medical care team and your baby’s pediatrician. Our bodies are all unique and different in terms of the needs and pace of postpartum recovery. Also, all newborns develop at different rates and may require different conditions to grow. Asking questions saves lots of anxiety and allows for any guilt and shame to dissipate.
Reflect on the amount and frequency of support from the extended family you need and want. Some freshly baked parents like to be surrounded by their parents, the parents-in-law, as well as friends during the first weeks and months after giving birth. Asking for help is a strength! On the other hand, some parents like to limit their family circle to their newly formed nuclear family. Do not be afraid to set these boundaries. Prioritizing your mental health in such a vulnerable time is more important than pleasing your extended family.
Expect that you probably will feel lost in the first months after having a newborn. Feeling lost is an essential part of growth and development as a parent. Please know that it is common to not know the kind of rash on your newborn or not know how many layers of clothing to put on your baby. Be kind to yourself.
Expect lots of unsolicited advice from family members, friends, and even strangers! I lost count of the times when a stranger told me that my newborn was dressed too lightly or too hot for the weather, or when my family members told me that giving my baby formula instead of breast milk would lead to the development of a poor immune system.
Many parents are frustrated with themselves when they are not able to execute the plan or schedule they had in mind for the day. The process of taking care of newborns is messy. They fall asleep unexpectedly or they require feeding or changing the diaper at the least convenient times for us. It can be very frustrating when the baby cries for hours when you planned to have a workout. Note that frustration and try being flexible. Going for a long walk with a baby is a wonderful opportunity for bonding and may be sufficient to satisfy your need to move and exercise.
Lastly, and probably the most important thing that I learned is to stay present in the moments when you take care of your baby or spend time with your spouse. It is so automatic for our minds to wander into the past or the future, especially when you are a parent. Instead, look your loved ones in the eyes, feel their touch, hear their voice, and feel their love. Staying present like that releases oxytocin (a bonding hormone) that plays an essential role in feeling good and happy. Although taking care of a newborn is a vulnerable and challenging process, it can bring so much joy into the lives of freshly baked parents.
The majority of parents have a good instinct about how to take care of their babies. Though there is a lot of useful parenting information, finding joy in postpartum newborn care comes down to the parents’ being in tune with themselves and their newborns. Staying connected with the body and mind will not only point the parents toward their needs and wants, but it will also allow them to consciously make choices and adaptations that will be good for them and the newborns. Some parents have to navigate postpartum time all by themselves. Joining a therapy group or finding a therapist to help navigate through the turbulent waters of parenthood may bring significant relief and the feeling of staying connected.
Written By Marcelina Grynechko, LMFTA
All through June we are highlighting resources around Finding Joy in Parenting. If you or a loved one need professional support, our counselors at Mathews Counseling are available for appointments. Request to book today!
