By: Jonathan Bell, LCSWA, LCASA
“I keep saying yes to people and don’t know how to stop. I feel so stuck and don’t know what to do.” This phrase, or something along the lines of it, has been said by more of my clients in therapy than I ever expected as a therapist. I’ve heard it mentioned so often, that I’m convinced “People Pleasing” has become a social epidemic of sorts. Perhaps you have even said this very phrase to yourself but haven’t felt like you could trust anyone else with this issue for fear that the other person might give you some blank-eyed stare and label you as “selfish”. You’re left keeping this fear inside and continue in a vicious cycle of being the “Yes Person”, “Always down for anything”, and “Easy-going”, and the moment that you feel you can’t live up to the expectations of the aforementioned perceptions, you’re left crippled with fear (I know all my Enneagram 2’s out there know what this is like!).
So how do we break that cycle of saying “Yes” to things that go against our values or priorities and begin to live a more authentic life not bound by people-pleasing behavior? Though there still remains no clinical diagnosis of a “People Pleaser”, a simple definition can be summarized to a person who puts the needs of others above their own and is highly attuned to others and desires to make them happy even at the extent of their own needs and resources (Science of People). There are a multitude of signs that might depict if you are a “People Pleaser” or have a serious pattern of people-pleasing behaviors. Though there may be slight differences and manifestations, a general consensus of people-pleasing behaviors can be summarized in the following:
- Pretending to agree with others even when you actually disagree with them
- You have a sense of responsibility for how others feel
- Excessive apologizing
- Feeling overburdened by the things you have to do
- Inability to say no or to decline requests
- Excessive discomfort if someone is upset with you
- Matching the behaviors of others/Being a “chameleon”
- Needing praise or validation to feel good about yourself
- Need to avoid conflict
- Inability to admit when your feelings have been hurt
(https://www.scienceofpeople.com/people-pleaser/)
To self-disclose a little, if you’re anything like me, you may have had a visceral reaction to reading through some of those situations and behaviors listed above. Perhaps you could even recount a specific moment or experience in great detail where you engaged in this pattern and might even feel some shame or embarrassment in sitting with these memories. It’s important first of all to acknowledge and name those feelings of shame and remind ourselves how this patterned behavior has perhaps been ingrained in us from a multitude of different factors. It’s possible you grew up in a culture where saying “Yes” and making sacrifices for others was expected, maybe you struggled to find community and at a time and were forced to alter your personality to “fit in”, or perhaps you have over time developed a strong work ethic and have had to hustle to make your way in your professional career. Whatever the perfect cocktail of experiences that has resulted in your people-pleasing tendencies, showing self-compassion and grace instead of self-criticizing is paramount at the beginning of this journey!
So how do we alter this pattern and current of people-pleasing behavior? First of all, perhaps it’s important to ask the question, “Why should I change my people-pleasing behavior?” Dr. Christine Carter answers this question well,
“…when we are trying to please others, we are usually out of sync with our own wants and needs. It’s not that it’s bad to be thinking of others. It’s that pleasing other is not the same as helping others…And anytime we’re doing something that is more about influencing what others think of us than it is about authentically expressing ourselves—even something as simple as a Facebook post that makes it seem like we are having a better day than we actually are—we end up out of integrity with ourselves.”
The importance of what Dr. Carter is highlighting is that people-pleasing behavior is not truly a pattern that supports a value of relationship-building as it can sometimes be disguised as. We sadly are doing the opposite of fostering stronger relationships by continuously acting in ways that are disingenuous and inauthentic to our wants and needs. Outside of just the anxiety, frustration, and depleted willpower that comes with people-pleasing, this value component is a foundation we can focus on as we consider our relationship with these behaviors. This is an essential part of changing the cycle of people-pleasing because it allows us the space to consider how changing such behaviors actually may align more with our core values and bring congruence within ourselves and with others.
Now, back to the first question, “How do we change people-pleasing behavior?”. Similar to the signs of people-pleasing, the tips for making tangible changes to this behavior vary, but a general consensus of subtle changes that can be made are as follows:
- Remember that you have agency and a choice
- Identify priorities (this goes back to the value work we talked about earlier)
- Create and set clear boundaries for yourself (i.e. clearly stating how long you have available to help with a task when a friend asks for your assistance)
- Look for manipulative language (Chances are, people have picked up on you being a “Yes person” and they may take advantage of that)
- Create a mantra for yourself and practice it with routine until it you begin to believe it is true (i.e. “I am allowed to say no. I do not have to say yes.”)
- Say no with conviction (Avoid keeping options open by using “maybe” or “I don’t know” when you know that you aren’t able to commit)
- Delay having to give an answer (I.e. “Let me get back to you on that”)
- Allow yourself to sit with discomfort
- Start small and celebrate small victories
- Avoid apologizing for things that aren’t your fault
To wrap all of this up, I think it’s important to remember how widespread people-pleasing behavior is in our society today. In a fast-paced world where it can be so easy to be “connected” in inauthentic ways and our muscle memory tendency to project a version of ourselves that isn’t genuine is the norm, it can be so difficult to break this pattern of unwanted behavior. Chances are that perhaps many other people in your circle are doing the very same thing which only exacerbates this behavior and keeps the cycle going. Recognizing your people-pleasing tendencies, practicing self-compassion, and applying these practical tips might just be the first step that’s needed to slow that cycle down just a few notches.
Resources and Reference:
https://psychcentral.com/health/tips-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser#tips
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser-5184412#citation-7
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-a-people-pleaser
https://www.scienceofpeople.com/people-pleaser/
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_it_doesnt_pay_to_be_a_people_pleaser
