By: Michael Sleigh
Boundaries may be high on the list of unhelpful counselor-speak. That is, if you ask three counselors what boundaries are, you’ll likely come away with four different answers.
Boundaries can be the lines we draw on maps to distinguish “us” from “them.”
Boundaries can refer to where you end, and I begin. Boundaries can represent the line of distinction between what behavior is considered appropriate and inappropriate.
Though different versions of boundaries can be defined, most authors agree on several core principles that make boundaries effective. One of these is related to responsibility. For some of us, we expect others to take responsibility for our feelings–this can sound like the subtle phrasing of, “You make me so angry!” For others, we take responsibility for what others do–this can sound like the myriad excuses we make for others’ decisions under the guise of compassion or kindness. As we’ll see below, the risk of these two scenarios is in the deflection of personal responsibility.
Author and New York Times best-seller, Mark Manson, wrote “The Guide to Strong Relationship Boundaries.” In this article, he espouses, “Healthy personal boundaries [means] taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions, while NOT taking responsibility for the actions or emotions of others.” That statement deserves to stand alone—consider re-reading it for emphasis.
That key of responsibility is also a core tenet of Drs. Cloud and Townsend, in their seminal work, “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life.” Their ten laws of boundaries describe the importance of being “responsible to” one another, not being “responsible for” one another. Again, consider slowing down to reflect on the meaning and implication of that subtle distinction: “Responsible to, not responsible for.”
These statements can be used as a “litmus test” to help us clarify our position in relationships. There is a simplicity of categorically breaking down behaviors versus feelings, and mine versus yours. From Manson’s prompt, self-reflection can sound like, “Did I do this, or am I observing the result of someone else’s action?” Additionally, we can process our emotional states: “Is this my genuine feeling, or am I feeling this on someone else’s behalf?” The answers to those questions serve as guides to help us navigate our subsequent actions as we apply boundaries.
Continued application of Cloud and Townsend (that is, to be responsible “to” someone vs. responsible “for” someone) can look like having open conversations about our well-being.
These conversations become an exceptional opportunity for vulnerability and intimacy. A practical skill here is the “I-statement.” However, if we are responsible “for” someone, that will inevitably disrupt the relationship’s authenticity and sense of closeness. Suppose we foreclose on their opportunity to share their genuine feelings responsibly. In that case, we cannot see or hear them for who they are.
Lastly, these crucial distinctions help us clarify boundaries in our intimate partnerships. We cannot “put boundaries on” someone else. That undermines the autonomy and responsibility that our intimate partner has. They are responsible for that decision to cross a line. We are responsible for our feelings and reaction. Ultimately, to embrace the importance of this responsibility for ourselves, we can put boundaries on ourselves. That is, we can self-reflect to understand our limits and then communicate them to our intimate partners respectfully and responsibly.
This post is intended to provide some helpful information about one aspect of boundaries. Still, it is in no way a comprehensive guide. If you’ve found yourself shouting the aforementioned, “You make me so angry!” or feeling like you’re to blame for another person’s actions, consider inquiring about therapist availability. This courageous step will help you dive deeper into communicating your boundaries and taking responsibility for your life.
