When you hear the word “boundaries”, how do you feel? What thoughts and associations come to mind? Maybe you associate boundaries with words such as “healthy”, “hard”, or “necessary”. However, when some people think about boundaries, words like “selfish”, “guilt”, and “rude” might come to mind. Consequently, it sometimes feels easier to sacrifice our own boundaries rather than express our needs when we associate that expression with this negativity and self-judgement.
In relationships, boundaries are the lines you draw to safeguard your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. They define what you find acceptable, safe, and respectful. Boundaries are hard enough to maintain with work, school, social media, and the hundred other things that seem to require our time and energy every day. Maintaining boundaries with those you love can be even more challenging. Whether it’s family, partners, or friends, the relationships that matter most to us are sometimes the ones where we are in most need of some space, limits, and consideration.
Reframing how you think about boundaries as love, not distance, can help you feel more confident in expressing and maintaining those lines. Approaching boundaries with the principles of self-care, dignity, and kindness is possible and benefits everyone in the relationship.
Self-care, not Selfish.
As a community, we tend to praise and reward others when they exhibit service and altruism, even if that generosity comes at the expense of their safety and needs. The nuance of boundaries is often missing from the conversation about how we value our ability to help and give to others. This could apply to any personal resource: time, money, energy, etc. You might feel like taking time for your hobbies isn’t as important as always being able to say yes to plans your best friend makes. Boundaries feel selfish when you’ve been taught to always value the needs and time of others more than your own.
You are worth your own time, care, and energy. Your goals, passions, and needs are just as important as those of others and you have every right to prioritize them in the same way. Saying “no” to loved ones can be hard, but it’s an important aspect to a healthy relationship. We often don’t say “no” because we worry about neglecting to show others that we care, but without boundaries we end up neglecting our own care, leading to resentment, exhaustion, and chronic stress. Boundaries are self-care when they allow you to balance nurturing your relationships with others while also being able to nurture yourself.
Dignity, not Guilt.
Whether intentionally or unintentionally, the reaction of others to you setting your boundaries can be a source of guilt, shaping the way you see your boundaries. Imagine you express to a parent that you can’t go to a family gathering over the weekend because it’s been a stressful week at work and you need some alone time. Imagine your parent responding by reminding you that your relatives won’t be around forever and that they were looking forward to seeing you. The guilt that creeps in can make it hard to feel confident in setting future boundaries or even reverse your decision altogether. You feel guilty about setting boundaries when your needs, time, or decisions have not been respected and valued.
Dignity means seeing yourself as someone worthy of honor and respect, both from others and from yourself. Your inner sense of self-worth includes how confident you feel in being able to make choices for yourself, considering not only what you’re able to do for others but the impact of those actions on yourself. To not internalize the guilt that can come with setting boundaries, you have to be able to respect yourself even when others don’t.
Kind, not Rude.
Setting any sort of boundary can sometimes be seen as rude simply because you are being assertive, because it requires change or could be perceived as a personal rejection by others. Sometimes, there are also different cultural norms around what is considered rude to say to someone in your family or social circle. Holding to your boundary around splitting the bill when you go out to eat with your partner could be perceived by some as rude, but that doesn’t make it true. Feeling like every way to set a boundary comes across as rude is a barrier that stops people from setting boundaries at all.
Trying to mitigate every possible emotional reaction to setting a boundary is near impossible, nor should it be your responsibility to manage the emotional responses of others. It is possible to set boundaries with kindness towards others and towards yourself by understanding what you’re asking for and being able to express those needs in a thoughtful way. It can be empowering to understand that you are able to express your boundaries and be kind at the same time.
Seeing boundaries as love for yourself and the people you care for is not easy, but everyone needs a balance in their lives to be able to show up for others while being able to live by their values and take care of themselves. If you’re feeling like it’s hard to find that balance or that resentment is building every time you give more and more of those personal resources to loved ones, try approaching boundary setting with kindness, dignity, and self-care in mind.
By: Hannah DeMello, LCSWA
