In all couple relationships, curiosity about each other draws us together in the beginning. And unfortunately, the loss of curiosity can draw us apart.
Last Christmas, I bought my wife a red teapot. The grimy, 13-year old teapot sitting on our stove needed replacing and I noticed this all by myself, without any prodding or coaxing. Naturally, I felt great about this gift, increasing my confidence I was crushing it as a husband. I knew she loved red, especially in the kitchen. I also knew she collected teapots. The one I picked had a unique shape to it which I bought from a local store I had seen her go into on several occasions. Check, check, check. I was hitting all of the boxes.
When she opened my carefully chosen gift, I was too busy patting myself on the back to notice her muted enthusiasm. Six months later, I found it stuffed in the back of a closet, unopened and unused.
I. Was. Shocked.
I. Was. Flabbergasted.
“Why haven’t you used this?!? Why isn’t it replacing our grimy stove teapot?!? Why aren’t you congratulating me on my excellent gift selection?”
“Well, I don’t really like it. I would have picked a different color.”, she said.
I. Was. Aghast.
“But… But… You told me! You told me you wanted to decorate the kitchen in red and black.”
My sweet wife burst out laughing at me.
“Adam, that was 13 years ago. I wanted a red and black kitchen when we first got married. My tastes have changed since then.”
I. Was. An. Idiot.
Also apparently it’s my mother that collects teapots and not my wife, but that’s another story.
I realized then I had never updated what I knew about Rebekka in this area. In the beginning, we talked at length about what we wanted our house to look like and the home we had built together. But 3 states, 6 houses, and 3 kids later, I had stopped being curious, assuming I knew everything there was to know about my wife.
Curiosity about the other person is highly motivating in the beginning parts of the relationship. When we are attracted to someone, one of our chief drives lies in getting to know the object of that attraction. Curiosity then leads us to dig into who the other person is. We start to wonder about their background, where they came from, who their family is, and whether or not coffee is as important to them as it is to us. We explore the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Whether they felt as passionately about Star Wars as we do and despise all movies starring Nicholas Cage, as all sane people do. In general, curiosity leads us to ask more questions and show interest in the other person.
As our relationship grows, at some point curiosity diminishes. It’s almost like we decide “Well, I guess I know everything about this individual now. There is nothing left to learn. I guess I will stop being curious.” We do not consciously think this, of course. Instead, we may start to feel bored with our partner or as if our relationship has grown stale. We do start to think, “Oh, I know what he’ll say if I say this.” Or “I’m certain she’ll respond this way if . . .” We lock our partner into a fixed state of being, forgetting all of us change and evolve over time. Our hopes and dreams change. Our fears change. Who we were when we are 20 is not who we are when we are 40. And who we are at 40 is not necessarily who we are at 60.
Sometimes restoring curiosity about your partner can be a game changer. It shifts your focus back toward your partner and increases their feeling that you are interested in them. You learn new things about your partner and correct bad assumptions. Curiosity can draw you back together in both new and familiar ways.
Some quick tips on how to be more curious:
- Adopt a curious mindset. Raise your awareness about the world around you, questioning your assumptions about how people work. Remember people change over time and you may not know as much about them as you think you do. Be curious about your friends, your co-workers, your family members. This helps you practice curiosity which then will help you raise your awareness of your partner and all the things you can be curious about.
- Learn the lost art of asking questions. We make so many assumptions about each other that often we think we have asked a question when we have really made a statement. Try having a whole conversation focused on the other person, where all you do is ask questions. See how long you can go without making a statement.
- Read together. Or watch movies together. Or go to concerts together. Or explore the restaurants in your city. Or travel together. Anything that creates opportunities to ask the question: “What did you like about that?” We learn more about each other when we do things together.
- Take personality tests every so often. Even the stupid ones. Exploring what you can learn about being an ENFP on the Meyers-Briggs and a Type 3w4 on the Enneagram can be helpful but knowing your spouse’s traits and characteristics is infinitely more helpful. It helps you ask questions like, “Does this type feel like you?” And “How do you think this trait effects us and our relationship?”
- Schedule semi-regular State of the Relationship conversations. Consider these your relationship check-ups. These conversations give you dedicated times to be curious about how the relationship is going, where improvements can be made, and correct bad assumptions more quickly.
If curiosity has gone out of your marriage and you do not know how to get it back, we’d love to help. We strive to make the first step the easiest and offer a risk-free initial appointment where we help you determine which of our amazing therapists would be a good fit for you. If you are not completely satisfied, you owe nothing and we will even help you get connected with a therapist outside our practice.
You can schedule online at any time at mathewscounseling.net or give us a call Monday through Friday at 919-587-8018.
