We’ve all been there, it’s the end of a long work day and you just want to relax and forget
about the stress of the day. Maybe you’re looking to connect or have some alone time but your
partner is fuming about something that’s gone awry in the relationship and a full blown flight
ensues, the struggle! Fighting well in a romantic relationship is not something they teach in
school, they were too busy with the quadratic equation and how often has that been useful in
everyday life?
If having a constructive fight wasn’t modeled for you growing up as a kid it can be hard
to even know where to start. Every relationship will encounter conflict and that’s okay, we are
humans after all! We won’t see eye to eye with our romantic partner on each issue that arises. I
am here to tell you that is totally normal. We are allowed to have healthy disagreements that
don’t involve ignoring, name calling, etc. I’m so glad you’ve found this page, let’s jump into a
few resources that can strengthen your healthy conflict skills!
First, I love using acronyms because they are quick and easy to remember. For fighting
well I like the H.O.M.E. acronym because we want the relational space we share with our
significant other to feel like home, cue all the warm fuzzy feelings! Let’s start with H.
H Stands For Here and Now:
When we are having a disagreement with our romantic partner we may be tempted to
drudge up every infraction that has happened over the course of the relationship. We may use
language like “You always…” or “Remember when you did this?” Let’s practice shifting the
focus to the issue at hand. We want to practice staying in the present and only being mindful of
the conflict of the moment. You can start the conversation with your partner and explain how you
are committed to the here and now and not bringing up the past. Ask your partner if they would
like to join you in this endeavor. At first it may feel strange and you probably will feel tempted to
bring up those past encounters. It’s okay if you realize you’ve reverted to the past, acknowledge
it and jump back into the present. Give yourself and your partner grace as you implement this
new skill. Next in the acronym is O.
O Stands For One Topic at a Time:
Sometimes we have several conflicts we want to bring up. This can be overwhelming for
both you and your partner and can lead to nothing getting resolved. At the start of the
disagreement state what the main topic is and leave any other conflicts for a different time. If
there is a second or third disagreement that is really pressing you can both decide together on a
different time to discuss that works with your schedules and the timeframe that feels good for
each of you. If either of you start drifting into a different conflict gently remind each other to stay
on topic. The gentle reminding may take practice and that’s okay!
M Stands for Monitor Your Feelings:
Throughout your disagreement make sure you are checking in with yourself.
Acknowledge what emotions are coming up – its okay to be angry, sad, frustrated, etc. If you feel
you are starting to loose your temper share that with your partner. State if you need a moment to
center yourself so you can remain respectful during the disagreement. Maybe you need a break to
take a walk or get a glass of water, that is okay. Just make sure to meet back up at a scheduled
time to resume the conflict. We want to work towards a healthy solution or compromise and that
is hard to arrive at in a screaming match. Lastly we have E.
E Stands For Establish Conflict Guidelines Ahead of Time:
Take a moment when you and your partner are not having a disagreement and set up
some guidelines you can both agree to when things get heated and are heading towards an
argument. One guideline could be discussing conflicts in the evening after decompressing from
work. Another guideline could be choosing to speak in calm tones, refraining from name calling
or agreeing to silence your phones/not answering work related messages during the conflict.
Make sure you both feel comfortable with the guidelines and if one of slips up agree to
respectfully remind each other. If you feel it would be beneficial you can write out the guidelines
on paper or add them to the Notes App on your phone.
So the next time a conflict arises between you and your partner, which it most certainly
will because again we are humans, you’ll be better prepared to work towards a healthy
resolution. Try out the H.O.M.E acronym and practice strengthening those healthy conflict
muscles!
Written By Michelle Thomisee, LCSWA
Throughout October, we are offering resources around how couples can fight well. If you or a loved one need professional support, our counselors at Mathews Counseling are available for appointments. Request your appointment today!
