While couples and people in intimate relationships can sometimes struggle with learning how to manage conflict with one another, they might also find themselves avoiding contentious topics in order to keep the peace. Alternatively, they may have intense feelings that don’t allow for genuine connection or repair to occur. Conflict can be a good thing for relationships in moving the needle to create change that’s needed to occur. Whether struggling with avoiding conflict, or getting stuck in conflict with your partner, perhaps it’s time to try something a little different…something a little out-of-the-box. The concept of scheduling conflict in relationships may sound a bit out there, so allow me to explain. Avoiding conflict doesn’t resolve the issue – rather, it prolongs it because the issue keeps coming up time and again without any corrective measures. Engaging in repetitive conflict without achieving resolution may come with a sense of feeling stuck and hopeless amidst relational turmoil that might intensify over time. Scheduling fights can allow partners time to process their emotions, as well as give them space to figure out ways to be more compassionate towards one another so that they can reconnect, talk openly, and work through the problem instead of bypassing the issue altogether. The following are some steps for how to schedule a fight in your relationship:
- Deciding together on when to schedule a discussion of the conflict. Collaborate on when to schedule the time-limited conflict, making sure to keep the discussion to no more than 10-15 minutes, maximum. This will allow just enough time to explore a couple of topics without escalating into a full-blown argument.
- Preparing topics to discuss. Before the scheduled conflict, allow enough time for each other to prepare a brief list of 1-2 identifying problems you both would like to address. Try to choose topics that convey minor points of relational tension rather than topics that seem too big, too broad, or too major to discuss within the timeframe.
- Initiating the discussion. To start the discussion, decide who will go first and allow the initiating partner to express their concern. Be sure to take turns in alternating who goes first each time to allow one another the opportunity to initiate the conflict. It is also important to use non-blaming language and make requests clear for one another to comprehend (e.g., “I notice that you’ve been spending more time in the garage lately, and I would like to have some quality time with you. What are your thoughts on going out on a date this weekend?”).
- Listening and Reflecting Back. The listening partner reflects back what they thought they heard their partner say. After the initiating partner confirms or clarifies their position, the listening partner then acknowledges their partner’s experience and assumes accountability for their contribution to the issue. It is also essential to explore the topics with curiosity and compassion for one another in creating an environment that not only allows partners to be authentic and vulnerable, but also to create emotional safety in expressing concerns.
- Repairing the issue. The initiating partner receives their partner’s accountability, and work together to come up with a plan for future occurrences regarding the issue. It is now time to switch the initiating and listening roles between partners and repeat the steps above.
While conflict doesn’t have to be a scary or bad thing, it might help to think of it as an indicator that there is tension in the relationship that could benefit from acknowledging the issue, addressing it within the relationship, and for partners to find ways to repair. While it may seem counterintuitive, scheduling conflict with partners take some of the fear of having those hard discussions and, over time, partners might notice less frequent and intense conflicts with one another, and they might become better equipped to manage conflict even when it arises unexpectedly.
Written By Denise Donatien-Coder, MFT Intern
Throughout October, we are offering resources around how couples can fight well. If you or a loved one need professional support, our counselors at Mathews Counseling are available for appointments. Request your appointment today!
