“Never go to bed angry!”
Ah, the age-old advice you’ve probably heard before from a relative at a wedding shower or a well-meaning stranger. The message behind this saying is good, suggesting that in a healthy relationship, you never want your arguments or issues to go unresolved forever. However, I’m here to tell you why it’s okay to go to bed angry. In fact, I encourage it.
While we don’t want issues in our relationship to remain unresolved indefinitely, letting them be for 24 hours is perfectly fine. This time might be necessary to gain perspective and approach the problem with a different, more thoughtful mindset.
There are two main problems with the message “never go to bed angry.” Firstly, sometimes we’re not in the right physical or mental state to address an issue respectfully and empathetically. Maybe we’re too tired, in a bad mood, or experiencing physical or mental pain, hindering a meaningful conversation. This message encourages couples to solve all their problems “right here, right now,” without allowing the issue or our partner space to breathe. This approach can lead to impulsive reactions rather than thoughtful responses, often fueled by intense emotions, which we might regret later.
The second flaw in the saying “never go to bed angry” is that it discourages basic self-care. In the movie Trainwreck, there’s a scene where Amy Schumer’s character struggles to keep her eyes open because her partner insists on resolving their issue before sleep, keeping them up into the wee hours. He even justifies it by saying, “My parents had a saying: never go to bed angry.” To this, she responds, “Your parents aren’t that happy.” If sacrificing sleep to solve a problem that could be tackled in the morning is the cost of not going to bed angry, then I’d choose sleep! We can’t address our higher psychological and social needs until our basic needs are met. Trying to do so while exhausted is counterproductive; a well-rested mind fosters more productive and respectful conversations.
In relationships, a balance between “never let anything go unsaid” and “pause before you speak” is crucial. There are times when I could’ve left something unsaid, but my feelings were intensified by hunger, leading to impulsive words. When we’re physically or emotionally dysregulated, we tend to act impulsively, causing further harm and conflict.
So, how can we avoid potential conflict and harm to our partners while addressing challenges in the relationship?
Ask yourself, “Am I feeling emotionally or physically dysregulated?” before discussing important topics with your partner. Use the acronym H.A.L.T. to check if you’re:
– Hungry
– Angry
– Lonely
– Tired
If the answer is yes, consider taking steps to regulate yourself before addressing the issue. For example, if you’re hungry, eat a snack or meal beforehand. H.A.L.T. is a tool used in addiction recovery but is applicable in various contexts, including romantic relationships. “Angry” and “Lonely” represent mental pain, while “Hungry” or “Tired” represent physiological pain.
H.A.L.T. prompts us to introspect before reacting, enabling self-care and needs fulfillment before addressing issues with our partners. Like placing the oxygen mask on ourselves before helping others on an airplane, we must care for ourselves before being fully present for our partners.
Implementing the H.A.L.T. method comes with challenges. Understand that you’ll make mistakes; it’s human. When stress, fatigue, or other factors lead to impulsive reactions, apologize and explain your emotional state to your partner, fostering understanding.
Additionally, there might be seasons in life where you constantly feel angry, lonely, or tired. Communicate your state to your partner, allowing them to adjust expectations. Find small ways to ease dysregulation, like short walks or pleasant distractions, enhancing your ability to engage in meaningful conversations despite challenges.
Written By Maddie Krause, LMFTA
Throughout October, we are offering resources around how couples can fight well. If you or a loved one need professional support, our counselors at Mathews Counseling are available for appointments. Request your appointment today!
