One of the most challenging parts of healing from an affair is restoring physical intimacy. Your sexual relationship post-affair can be a challenging and sensitive process. If the affair was physical, sex can be triggering to the hurt partner and frustrating to the partner who stepped outside the relationship. If the affair was more emotional, sex can still be difficult to re-engage as it requires a high degree of vulnerability and openness.
Further complicating this sexual healing is the state of your sexual relationship pre-affair. If there was any difficulty or challenges in the sexual relationship before the affair began those issues can then be compounded by the affair and feel even more complicated as the healing process gets underway.
Often I see clients approaching their sexual relationship post-affair from two extremes. Either they dive right back into sex, almost as if they hope to power through and restore the relationship by reclaiming their sex life. Or they completely avoid sex, refusing to engage in physical intimacy of any kind. This avoidance only delays addressing the physical aspect of the relationship, frustrating both partners. Diving right back end, on the other hand, bandaids difficult conversations about the broken trust and hurt it caused.
I tend to advocate for a more measured approach that allows healing to happen in steps and stages. It requires patience, open communication, and a willingness to work together to rebuild trust as you rebuild your physical connection.
Here are a few things couples can do to begin to rebuild the physical intimacy in their relationship after an affair has happened:
- Devote time to address the underlying issues.
While this should be obvious, many couples avoid addressing the important underlying issues in the relationship that may have contributed to the affair. They avoid couples therapy because of the pain and, frankly, the exhaustion that comes with working on these issues. However, physical intimacy cannot be restored until the emotional connection is also restored. You do not heal one without the other and while you do not wait to work on the physical connection until the emotional connection is 100% whole, you cannot ignore the emotional healing required and expect sex to magically return. A therapist can help you to identify any patterns or issues in the relationship that may have contributed to the affair and develop strategies for addressing them, as they also address a path forward for your physical intimacy.
- Take it slow
Restoring physical intimacy after an affair is not something that can be rushed. It’s important to take things slow and allow time for the relationship to heal. This may involve starting with small gestures of affection, such as holding hands or cuddling, and gradually building up to more intimate physical contact. The hurt partner sets the pace for what form of physical contact feels safe enough to engage with. At the same time, the hurt partner must recognize that for healing to occur, physical contact cannot be turned down to zero at all times. I often recommend to the hurt partner that as they see the partner who stepped outside of the relationship begin to engage in the healing process offering a bit more physical contact or ways to be physically closer. Sometimes this may even be an invitation to sit closer on the couch or a small hug if these types of contacts have proven to be difficult. At the same time, the partner who stepped outside of the relationship must genuinely demonstrate extreme patience in restoring the physical relationship. Any pressure or demand to engage in physical intimacy before the hurt partner is ready will only serve to delay healing.
- Communicate openly
Even if an affair has not occurred most couples would benefit from communicating more openly about sex. But when rebuilding your intimacy after an affair, discussing sex openly is vital. Both partners need to be willing to listen to each other’s needs and concerns and to express their thoughts and feelings without judgment or defensiveness. This may involve setting aside time for regular check-ins or conversations and being willing to listen and respond to each other’s needs and concerns. As you begin to re-engage in sexual activities as a couple, you also need to be willing to check in with each other to ensure that you are both feeling safe and connected.
- Focus on the present
While it’s important to acknowledge and address the pain and hurt caused by the affair, it’s also important to focus on the present of the relationship. Some days sex may feel more available than others. Some days the hurt may be more present than others. That’s okay and a normal part of the process. Healing does not happen in a straight line. Some days there is progress, some days there are setbacks, and some days are just neutral. Focusing on where you are as a couple today and communicating what your needs are in the moment can help to build trust that allows greater physical intimacy to occur.
Restoring physical intimacy after an affair is a challenging process that requires patience, open communication, and a willingness to work together to rebuild trust and connection. It is possible to restore physical intimacy and build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship but it requires doing the work and seeking help.
As always, seeking professional help is the biggest recommendation. Even if you know all the right information and understand what’s required in the healing process, implementing it in your relationship can be a different thing altogether. Having a professional help you apply it to your specific relationship can be invaluable.
Written By Adam Mathews, Ph.D., LMFT, Executive Director
All through April we are highlighting resources around Affair Recovery. If you or a loved one need professional support, our counselors at Mathews Counseling are available for appointments. Request to book today!
