My wife and I so far have escaped the WHY question phase with our children. I know, I know. We are truly #blessed. Maybe this stage comes later and instead of little kid, “Why is the sky blue?” questions, we’ll get teenaged “Why can’t I dye my hair that ridiculous shade of blue?” questions.
I admit I went through quite a few “why” phases over the years.
A WHY phase in high school challenged everything my poor mother asked me to do. “Why do I have to make my bed, Mom? I’m just going to mess it up again in 8 hours!”
A WHY phase in college had me wondering about the ever-confusing behavior of the female gender. “Why was she so upset after our date? Taco Bell is a great restaurant!”
A WHY phase emerged during our first year of marriage. “Why do you want me to make the bed? We’re just going to mess it up again in 8 hours!” Quickly followed by a second WHY question: “Why are you so angry that I winked at you as I said that?!”
There have been more difficult WHY phases where I have struggled to understand life and it’s harsh realities: the loss of a family member or the hurtful words of a friend, the financial setback appearing out of nowhere, or the sudden onset of anxiety.
I become convinced if I can answer the WHY question the problem will be solved. If I can only understand why the financial setback happened, I can guard against it happening in the future. If I can figure out why I get anxious, then I get rid of my anxiety once for all.
I often hear my clients ask the WHY question about their own problems:
- Why did my husband have an affair? If he really loved me, why would he do such a thing?
- Why do I always let her hurt me? Why do I never stand up for myself?
- Why can’t he ever meet my needs?
- Why can’t I feel happy and enjoy the good space I am in? Why am I always so negative?
I understand the lure of the WHY question. But I also know the danger of it.
WHY is like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster: talked about often, but rarely found and even more rarely verifiable. Rather than a mythical silver bullet to solve all my problems, WHY is rarely so simple and clean cut.
Occasionally I might stumble onto a mildly plausible answer and latch onto it like my toddler son’s deathgrip on an Annie’s Cheddar Bunny. But my tightly held answer only leads to more WHYs, which lead to more WHYs and so on. WHY seems to be more complicated and multi-faceted than I want it to be. WHY is the quicksand of questions. The more you struggle against it the more it pulls you down and eventually suffocates you.
I believe better questions begin with WHAT.
- WHAT do I need to rebuild trust in my relationship?
- WHAT are my boundaries and WHAT do I do when those boundaries are crossed?
- WHAT are my needs in relationship and WHAT needs take priority for me?
- WHAT happens when I do feel happy? WHAT are the small, unnoticed positive things happening in my life?
WHAT tends to be more focused on the here-and-now. It avoids speculation on the past, keeping me from getting stuck there. Looking at WHAT, I notice more of my present behavior and do not attach past hurt to them. So my wife’s current frustration with my $5 per day coffee habit does not automatically include her off-handed comment 10 years ago about my lack of maturity.
WHAT is also easier to answer than WHY. It is observational versus speculative, meaning the answer can usually be discerned from what I see happening around me. Like Liam Neeson, WHAT is action oriented. WHAT I did was forget to take out the trash. Speculating on the underlying reasons for my doing so usually leads to my wife accusing me of being a narcissist.
WHAT is also calmer than WHY. It’s not as sexy or explosive. We don’t fight with our loved ones about WHAT. When my wife fails to notice how I cleaned the house for her while she was out, we do not fight about WHAT happened. We fight about WHY she hates me and WHY she only notices when I leave my socks on the floor. We do not fight about WHAT we could do to compliment each other more. We fight about WHY I am so over-dramatic about everything.
Perhaps even more helpful, answering the WHAT often leads us to the HOW. And HOW can show us the first step we need to take.
- HOW can I ask him to be more open and honest with me?
- HOW do I draw and reinforce my boundaries?
- HOW can I communicate my needs more clearly?
- HOW can I shift my focus and energy to the positive things in my life?
Abandon the search for Big Foot. Avoid the quick sand. Ask the better questions.
