I like yoga. I did not think I would. But I tried it at a time when I desperately needed some calm in my life and so I gave it a try. My first class hooked me. The whole room with its low ambient lighting and calming sitar music; everyone talking in low, soothing tones; the slow, methodical breathing. The whole vibe was just what I needed.
But turns out I was terrible at the actual yoga part of yoga. I’m stiff and inflexible, my range of motion turned out to be approximately one inch in any direction, and my joints made so much noise I suddenly had trouble hearing the calming sitar music.
Most of all, though, I have no balance. Planks had me shaking uncontrollably. I was falling out of Tree poses left and right. And Crane pose- well, the instructor strongly suggested I not try that one. Something about liability and concussions.
Balance is key in yoga and it is key in relationships as well.
Relationships tend to start out with a certain degree of balance. We attract and are attracted to people who complement us. The introvert is drawn to the extrovert. An internal processor pulled toward someone who thinks out loud. Sometimes the things we admire in our spouse turn out to be the things we desperately need. Our biggest strengths when taken to extreme often turn into our biggest weaknesses and having someone by our side who keeps us from falling to those extremes can be very appealing. So the logical thinker is pulled away from cold detachment and the emotional processor is not swept away by them.
The trouble comes when over time the very thing that attracted you to each other starts to become the very thing that annoys you most. You cannot understand why he wants to go out with friends all the time and he cannot understand why you want to stay in. She cannot fathom why you never respond and you cannot understand why she always must speak her mind.
And suddenly it seems we have married our complete opposite.”How could we possibly have anything in common?!?” “We are just such different people!” “How could anything work ever again?!?”
When in reality our relationship has simply fallen out of tree pose. It has lost it’s balance.
Fortunately, unlike me with yoga, balance can be regained in relationships.
If you find your relationship is out of balance, start here:
Remember the strength of your spouse that originally attracted you in the first place. Look for the strength behind the trait causing you so much annoyance now. Remember how much it keeps your strength from turning into an extreme weakness.
Allow your spouse to use their strength. If they speak every thought in their head, maybe they can help you with the presentation you have at work. If they prefer a night at home, maybe they can help you learn to appreciate slowing down.
Recognize that your complementary strengths make you better together. You will solve problems faster, discover better solutions, and handle life obstacles better when you apply the collective strength of your relationship.
Since my first yoga class, I learned that balance actually requires movement. Originally I became more frustrated my tree pose would not stay perfectly still right where I planted it. But the foot on which I am trying to be a tree, when balanced, makes a ton of small adjustments in all directions. I fall when it leans too far one way or the other.
So too does my relationship. It works best when it moves between both of our strengths to find it’s balance.
I may not ever manage Tree or Crane, but you and your spouse can find balance again.
Questions to get you moving:
How could your biggest strengths become your biggest weaknesses?
What strengths do you see in your spouse that you do not have?
