Navigating Family Gatherings: Five Steps to Stay True to Yourself

Personally, the holiday season is something I look forward to every year; I love the feelings of nostalgia and coziness it brings and I love any opportunity to sip a warm drink while reading a good book. Amidst all the magic and the twinkling lights, there are inevitably challenges that come with the holiday season or frankly any instance where we spend concentrated time with our families of origin, extended family, in-laws, loved ones, etc. The below steps help me to not abandon myself during the holidays and I hope they can help you to stay true to yourself and take care of yourself this holiday season. 

1. Set realistic expectations. One way we can avoid setting ourselves up for disappointment and  frustration is by refraining from idealizing our family holiday gatherings. For instance, if you know your mom has a tendency to make unwanted comments about your appearance it probably wouldn’t be helpful to go into the visit thinking, “No one is going to say anything that will irritate me!” or “I am going to love every second of being with my family!” This could put unnecessary pressure on you to be happy during moments that don’t naturally evoke happiness, leading to feeling shame or disappointment in yourself. Instead of going in expecting everything to be sunshine and rainbows, think about how you might respond or disengage when someone says something annoying. This leads to the next step: 
2. Create a plan (and if needed, an exit strategy). It can be helpful to plan out how you might respond to an irritating comment. This might depend on the person and the type of relationship you have with said person. Maybe you decide to diffuse or redirect with humor, so when your mom says, “Oh honey, you really should iron your shirt,” you respond with, “Oh mom, didn’t you hear? Wrinkles are trending this year!”  Alternatively you might decide to be more direct and respond with, “Hey Mom, I love you, and I know you don’t intend it this way but whenever you make comments about my appearance or how I dress, I feel self-conscious about my appearance when we’re together. I don’t want to feel this way so I would appreciate it if you might try to refrain from making comments about my appearance.”  Creating a plan for how we will take care of our needs can help mitigate any frustration or resentment we may feel. It is our responsibility to address and communicate our own needs and it is the responsibility of others to respect those needs. If a loved one is not respecting our needs and/or safety, this leads to the next step: 
3. Set appropriate boundaries. In order to take care of ourselves, it can be helpful to decide what kind of boundaries we might set with certain family members. For instance, we may request ahead of a family gathering that a certain topic not be discussed. This could look something like, “Hey family, I’m really excited to spend time with you all this holiday season. In order to make the most out of our time together, I’d really appreciate it if we could refrain from talking about X this year.” If a family member starts talking about X, you can decide to kindly remind them of your boundary and/or remove yourself from the situation. When it comes to comments that are downright harmful or make us feel unsafe, we have every right to be firm in our boundaries. This could look like saying, “I will not allow myself to be spoken to this way,” or “That’s not appropriate. Please don’t say that.” If someone continues to disrespect your boundaries, you have the option to take space to yourself or completely remove yourself from the situation. 
4. Reflect on your values. Ask yourself, what about this time is important to me? Or, what would I like to get out of this visit? Then, set an intention based on those values. Maybe you really value connection, and you make a plan to act in a way that fosters connection with different family members, or you make a point to ask a certain family member more about themselves. Maybe you value kindness and set an intention to be extra kind to yourself and others, in whatever way that may look like for you.
5. Lean into gratitude. Be extra intentional in noticing the parts of your family gatherings that you are grateful for, maybe even making a list ahead of time of what you love about each person. I am grateful for the laughs shared with my family, for the yummy food, and the opportunity to rest and slow down. 

By Maddie Krause, LCMHCA

Maddie Krause is a therapist at Mathews Counseling and has immediate openings for telehealth clients within the state of North Carolina. Learn more about Maddie here.

All December, we are focusing our blog series around mental well-being during the holidays. You can find the series here: 

Part 1: Holiday Harmony: The Power of Routines for Stress-Free Celebrations
Part 2: Home for the Holidays: Building Meaningful Connections and Reducing Stress
Part 3: Navigating Family Gatherings: Five Steps to Stay True to Yourself
Part 4: Finding Your Way: Navigating Grief and Loss During the Holidays: Tips for Healing