The “Good Girl” Trap: Understanding and Overcoming “Good Girl Syndrome”

This is part two in our four part August series about women’s mental health.  You can the introduction to the series here.

In our society, the notion of being a “good girl” is laden with cultural stereotypes. A “good girl” is often seen as nurturing, selfless, obedient, humble, passive, polite, pious, pure, and perfect. While striving for humility or selflessness isn’t inherently negative, problems arise when these cultural narratives are internalized to the point of self-harm. This is where “Good Girl Syndrome” comes into play.

What is “Good Girl Syndrome”?

“Good Girl Syndrome” refers to the collection of consequences faced by those who have been socialized as women in our patriarchal society. You might be experiencing Good Girl Syndrome if you struggle with any of the following:

• People-Pleasing: Suppressing your needs to accommodate others, often at your own expense.
• Perfectionism: Setting impossibly high standards for yourself and never feeling “good enough.”
• Avoiding Confrontation: Avoiding conflict and not expressing your emotions to “save face.”
• Self-Sacrificing: Neglecting your own needs to accommodate others, often adopting a “martyr” role.
• Fear of Rejection: Constantly fearing disapproval or judgment, leading to decision avoidance and over-apologizing.
• Trouble Setting Boundaries: Finding it difficult to say “no.”
• Downplaying Your Strengths: Continuously seeking approval from others.
• Difficulty Experiencing Pleasure: Struggling to allow yourself to experience pleasure, whether sexual or otherwise.

None of these behaviors are your fault. If you resonate with these tendencies, they were likely ingrained in you from an early age and reinforced throughout your life. However, it is your responsibility to become aware of these tendencies and break free from the Good Girl narrative.

The Journey to Healing

Overcoming Good Girl Syndrome can be exhausting, but the peace, autonomy, and confidence that come from breaking free from cultural narratives and reclaiming your individuality are worth it. Here are five practices to help you start your journey:

1. Rest: Fight the patriarchy with a good nap. Perfectionism and hustle culture teach us to constantly be doing, achieving, and producing. Allow yourself to rest, even if it’s just for 10 minutes. Your mind, body, and spirit will thank you. Women and those with higher estrogen levels tend to need more sleep on average, so embrace the rest.
   • Resource: Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hersey
2. Practice Saying No: Advocating for your needs is tough, especially if you grew up in an environment where expressing your needs wasn’t allowed. Breaking free from being “easygoing” or “obedient” takes time and practice. A therapist can help guide you on this journey. Celebrate the small wins.
   • Resource: Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
3. Connect with Others: Build a community with people who feel similarly. Give each other permission to cancel plans, say no, and celebrate small victories together. There’s nothing more encouraging than friends celebrating you for standing your ground.
4. Speak with a Therapist: Many therapists can support and empower you on this healing journey.
   • Resource: Mathews Counseling
5. Get Into Your Body: Engage in activities that help you feel connected to yourself. Whether it’s something physical like dancing or yoga, or something creative like woodworking, writing, or crocheting, these activities, along with therapy, will help you harness your intuition and reclaim your power.

Maddie Krause is a therapist at Mathews Counseling. She currently taking new clients but space is limited. Request your appointment today! Learn more about Maddie here.