The holiday season often arrives with its own weighty expectations: joy, connection, and celebration. Yet, for those of us carrying the ache of grief, these expectations can feel not just out of reach but painfully at odds with our inner reality. Grieving during the holidays isn’t just about missing a person or the life you once knew; it’s about navigating a world that seems to move on without you, while you’re left tending to a wound that is invisible to most but all-consuming to you.
If this is where you find yourself, I want to begin by saying: I see you. I see the effort it takes to show up, to answer holiday party invitations you may not want to attend, to shop for gifts when you’re barely holding yourself together, or to simply make it through the day while everything around you screams “joy.” There’s nothing wrong with you for finding this time of year hard. Grief doesn’t take a vacation just because the world decides it’s time to celebrate.
Why the Holidays Feel So Hard When You’re Grieving
Grief has a way of intensifying during the holidays, largely because this season amplifies everything we feel—good and bad. Holiday traditions, music, and gatherings all carry a weight of meaning. They remind us of what we had, what we’ve lost, or what we never had but deeply wanted.
This time of year also magnifies the dissonance between our internal experience and external expectations. Society tells us that the holidays are supposed to be magical and full of joy, and we’re inundated with images of perfect families, overflowing tables, and sparkling lights. But grief is messy, unpredictable, and isolating. When your inner world doesn’t match the festive cheer around you, it’s easy to feel even more disconnected and alone.
The Pitfalls of How We Try to Cope
In an attempt to navigate the holidays while grieving, many people turn to coping mechanisms that, while understandable, often don’t serve them well. Here are a few common approaches that tend to backfire:
1. Pretending Everything is Fine
Many people feel pressure to “fake it” during the holidays, whether it’s for the sake of family, friends, or their own children. The thought process goes: if I can just act happy, maybe I’ll feel better—or at least not bring everyone else down. But pretending often leads to more exhaustion and emotional disconnection. When we suppress our grief, it doesn’t go away; it festers.
2. Avoiding the Holidays Altogether
Some people go to the opposite extreme, skipping holiday gatherings, traditions, or even the season altogether in an effort to shield themselves from painful reminders. While stepping back can sometimes be a healthy boundary, avoidance can lead to increased isolation and the sense that grief has stolen not just your loved one or past life, but also your present.
3. Overcommitting or Overindulging
In an effort to distract from their grief, some people throw themselves into the holidays with relentless busyness or excess. Whether it’s overspending, overdrinking, or overloading the calendar, these attempts to “numb out” usually only postpone the feelings. The crash that follows can leave you feeling even worse.
A Better Way Forward: Honoring Your Grief While Moving Through the Holidays
Grief during the holidays doesn’t have to mean either shutting down completely or forcing yourself to perform joy. There is a middle path—one that allows you to honor your grief while still engaging with life in a way that feels authentic to you. Here are three evidence-based recommendations to help you navigate the season.
1. Set Intentional Boundaries
One of the most helpful things you can do is clarify what you are willing—and not willing—to do this holiday season. This involves assessing your emotional capacity and communicating your needs to others. Maybe you decide to skip the big family dinner but agree to attend a smaller, quieter gathering. Or perhaps you ask for flexibility, letting loved ones know you’ll decide on the day of whether you can attend. Setting boundaries isn’t about being selfish; it’s about self-preservation. Research on emotional regulation shows that when we feel in control of our environment, we’re better able to manage difficult emotions. Giving yourself permission to say no can help you conserve energy for the things that truly matter to you.
2. Create Rituals to Acknowledge Your Loss
Rather than trying to ignore your grief, consider creating space to honor it. This could involve adapting existing traditions or creating new ones. Some ideas include: Lighting a candle in memory of your loved one during a holiday meal or on a quiet evening. Writing a letter to the person you’ve lost, expressing what you miss about them this time of year. Donating to a cause they cared about as a way of carrying their legacy forward. Psychologists emphasize the importance of rituals in processing grief. These acts give us a way to externalize our emotions and create meaning, which can be profoundly healing.
3. Anchor Yourself in Self-Compassion
When you’re grieving, it’s easy to fall into patterns of self-criticism: “Why can’t I just be happy for my kids?” or “I should be over this by now.” But self-compassion—a concept deeply rooted in psychological research—can be a powerful antidote to these thoughts.
Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a dear friend. When you notice yourself struggling, pause and acknowledge your pain without judgment. Remind yourself that grief is a normal, human response to loss, and that it’s okay to feel exactly as you do. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff and others has shown that self-compassion can reduce feelings of shame and loneliness, both of which are common in grief.
One way to practice self-compassion is to identify small, nurturing acts you can do for yourself each day. This might be taking a walk in nature, listening to music that soothes you, or allowing yourself to rest without guilt. These small acts remind you that you’re worthy of care—even from yourself.
Navigating the Holidays With Grace (and Without Perfection)
The truth is, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to grieving during the holidays. What works for one person might not work for another, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to have a “perfect” holiday season or to meet anyone else’s expectations. The goal is simply to move through this time in a way that feels true to you, allowing space for both sorrow and, when it comes, joy. It’s also worth remembering that grief isn’t static. Some moments may feel impossibly heavy, while others may bring glimpses of light. Both are valid. Both are part of the journey. So as you navigate this holiday season, I invite you to hold this truth close: you are not broken for grieving. You are human. And even in the depths of loss, you are deserving of kindness, care, and connection—not just from others, but from yourself.
By Adam Mathews, PhD, LMFT
Adam Mathews is the executive director of Mathews Counseling and has openings for intensive couples therapy. You can learn more about intensive couples therapy here.
All December, we are focusing our blog series around mental well-being during the holidays. You can find the series here:
Part 1: Holiday Harmony: The Power of Routines for Stress-Free Celebrations
Part 2: Home for the Holidays: Building Meaningful Connections and Reducing Stress
Part 3: Navigating Family Gatherings: Five Steps to Stay True to Yourself
Part 4: Finding Your Way: Navigating Grief and Loss During the Holidays: Tips for Healing
