Do not fight over text message.
Hang, on. That’s not strong enough. Let me try it in the new, hip, Twitter way.
Do. Not. Fight. Over. Text. Message.
Wait. Still not quite right . . .
DO. NOT. FIGHT. OVER. TEXT. MESSAGE.
There. Much better.
Picture me, on a tall soapbox, megaphone in hand, blaring this message from your front lawn. Put it on a meme and send it around the internet. Stencil it in a fancy handwritten font on some reclaimed wood you overpaid for at a flea market. Whatever it takes to remind yourself that when you press send on that perfect retort to your significant other, you are pressing the eject button on healthy conflict.
Fights over text message never end well and, what’s more, fail to promote a healthy process for resolution. In fact, text message fights are an easy set-up for the Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships.
Defensive responses are much easier to craft over text message. We think, “No one is interrupting me! I can finally explain my side of things and give a point by point reasoning for why I did that thing I did.” Text message easily enables us to avoid taking responsibility.
Criticism abounds in text messages. Somehow, typing our hurts into our phones, we feel freer to fully express all the anger we have bottled up. When we do not have to say it to another person’s actual human face we tend to attack without thinking. We get harsh. We get personal. We stop talking about ourselves.
Text message also promotes Contempt. Hostile humor, sarcasm, and mockery all flow more easily into a keyboard. Before we know it we are assaulting our partner’s sense of self without even realizing it. “I knew you wouldn’t respond!” “Well, of course, you’d say that!”
Perhaps the biggest horseman text message fights promote is Stonewalling. We can simply not respond! Our spouse sends 25 pleading text messages and we slide the phone to silent. What’s more, we can claim we never received them! Or I can respond but I can respond with a one-word answer. “OK!” Or “Sure.” Or, even better, we can just send the thumbs up emoji.
Emojis! We do not even have to type the actual words now to communicate. The Horsemen abound through emojis. We have an eye roll emoji face to communicate contempt, an okay hand to stonewall, a hand palm out to defend, and a whole slew of face and poop emojis to communicate our critical displeasure!
I recognize at this point I sound like your cranky old grandpa who still can’t work the new remote control but hear me when I say this is a problem.
While the Four Horsemen can still show up in face to face conversations, the odds are more in your favor than with text messages. We are more apt to listen and hear the intent of what our partner has to say. Context is clearer and we can pick up on non-verbal clues and tone better. Overall, our chances go way up that healthy resolution will occur.
Next time you find yourself in a text fight, try pressing send on one of these phrases:
- “I’m sorry we are fighting. I know we both have strong viewpoints. Can we plan some time to talk about it?”
- “Hey, when you have a few moments free, will you call me? I’m frustrated and need to talk.”
- “I’m sorry I upset you. I want to hear more about it. When can we sit down and talk?”
- “This sounds like a face to face conversations. Can we go to dinner and talk about it?”
You might be recognizing a theme. Text fights are out. Face to face conversations are in.
If text message fighting has consumed your relationship or if you want to learn more about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships, we’d love to help. We strive to make the first step the easiest and offer a risk-free initial appointment where we help you determine which of our amazing therapists would be a good fit for you. If you are not completely satisfied, you owe nothing and we will even help you get connected with a therapist outside our practice.
You can schedule online at any time at mathewscounseling.net or give us a call Monday through Friday at 919-587-8018.
