By: Rebecca Meyer
Grief is a process that touches us all. However, no two people have the same reactions to loss, nor do they move through the pain in the same way. Although grief is something we all experience, it is a misunderstood process due to numerous myths surrounding what it means to grieve. Many experience confusion about what they are feeling and why. It is important for us to understand what healing can look like after loss so that we are able to grow forward in our lives. By understanding more about what grief is, and is not, you may be able to move closer to healing. Let’s separate facts from misconceptions of loss by debunking the following (3) three myths about grief.
- Grief = Sadness.
This misconception of grief is common. Stating that grief is just simply the emotion of sadness does not fully explain nor encapsulate the complexity that is grief. Grief involves many emotions and experiences. To label it as just ‘sadness’ could leave those experiencing other symptoms of grief to be confused about their feelings, questioning whether they are grieving at all.
It is possible to grieve without shedding a tear. Along with sadness, grief can involve anger, confusion, anxiety, fear, longing, and more. One thing to understand about grief is that it is ok to feel all of these emotions. A person who is grieving may even feel an assortment of these emotions in a single day.
2. Grief is something that will end with time.
This statement about grief is misleading. Grief is not something to “just get over” when time passes. Although the passing of time is a factor in the healing process, it is not alone that contributes to healing after a loss. If you expect to do nothing or to ignore the grief as time passes, movement will not be made toward healing or alleviation of grief symptoms. There is action in grief recovery. (An entire post can be dedicated to this notion.)
Another reason to avoid putting a timeline on grief is that this action may lead to hopelessness or frustration with self. The second-year after a loss could feel harder than the first. Your personal grief journey is your own and it is important to try and have grace with yourself as you navigate the loss and its meaning in your life.
Instead of believing that grief ends, it is important to think of how it becomes integrated into your life. Although it may seem like a daunting idea to have to “live with grief”, think about removing the hold that “finishing the process” or “reaching the end” may have on you. Has a sight, smell, or taste ever brought back a memory about someone or something you have lost long ago? Maybe this memory makes you feel suddenly sad even though it has been a while since you have consciously thought of this loss. It shows you that the grief is still there. And that is ok. Do not put a time limit on grief or on the journey you take with it. Take away the pressure you or others put on you to “get over it”.
3. Grief is a linear set of stages to overcome.
One of the biggest myths about grief is that it happens in stages. Many have the notion that movement through these consecutive stages leads to healing. In the late 1960s, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross created the death and dying model that elicited that denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are the stages one must move through to reach healing as they prepare for death. The Kubler-Ross model also became known as the Five Stages of Grief by interpreters of her work. Based on newer empirical research, grief is now understood to be non-linear. This information is important for us to know. As said above, many emotions surrounding grief could be felt in a day. Often people who are grieving will state that they began the day feeling acceptance of their loss and ended it in denial or anger. This myth is important to point out so that when we encounter grief, we know that we are not responsible for traversing through certain processes in a specific order. The pressure is off to perform in grief. There is no one right way to move toward the alleviation of its symptoms in day-to-day life.
During this time of loss and sorrow in the world, it is more important than ever to have an understanding of what it looks like to grieve. This post is intended to scratch the surface of the complex process of grief and hopefully be a source of relief for those who are feeling invalidated or are questioning why their beliefs about grief are not matching their current experience. Since this post has spent time articulating what grief is not, I’d like to end it by saying some of what it is. Grief is a personal journey as unique as a fingerprint. Grief is something that can change and grow. Grief is learning it is ok to not have it all together. If you are currently experiencing grief, think about reaching out to a mental health professional. Therapy can be a great place to process your grief and feel seen and heard in your journey with it.
Kubler-Ross, E. (1969) On death and dying. New York: Macmillan.
