Humans are bonding mammals. Attachment to another person, especially a loved one is paramount for our survival, sense of safety, and security within ourselves and in the world. When a threat to the relationship bond is present, the part of the brain responsible for emotional processing and protective responses immediately activates and guides the body toward defensive action. One of the biggest threats to the relationship bond is infidelity. Feelings of abandonment, rejection, or shame accompanying affairs are processed by the same brain area that is responsible for processing physical hurt. Both emotional and physical pain trigger defensive action in an organism. When a loved one steps out of the relationship and becomes a source of hurt, the brain, and body begin to associate him or her with a significant threat. Activation of protective mechanisms that ‘cover up’ the hurt is inevitable. Eventually, these protective mechanisms become blocks of the affair recovery, because a long-lasting change and healing of the affair require both partners to become vulnerable again and share the hurt. Although it may be difficult to hear, especially for the betrayed partner, it is both the betrayed partner and the straying partner that need to put in the work and move through their blocks, for the process of affair recovery to complete. Moreover, for both partners to share their hurt, both parties must understand the individual and relationship dynamics that contributed to the affair. It is important to emphasize that understanding is not excusing. Let’s be clear, two partners are responsible for the relationship. It takes only one person to step out.
Strong emotions accompanying the disclosure, discovery, and healing process are common and normal taking into consideration the attachment significance of the emotional injury imposed on the relationship bond. In the initial stages of the affair recovery, it is very common that both the betrayed and the straying partner have big difficulty hearing each other’s pain resulting from the affair and relationship dynamics preceding the affair. It is usually because both the straying and the betrayed partner avoid feeling deep hurt and a range of emotions like fear, shame, guilt, sadness, abandonment, or rejection. When the survival brain is activated, emotional tolerance is significantly limited. Usually, these deeper emotions are covered by reactive emotions like frustration, resentment, depression, anxiety, reactive or defensive anger, helplessness, and hopelessness.
Some of the defensive mechanisms presented by straying spouse are:
Denial “It was not an affair. There was nothing between me and him/her!”
Minimization “Don’t make a big deal out of this. After all, we don’t have sex.”
Deflection “You have criticized me the whole relationship. I needed someone to finally validate my needs.”
Shaming “At least she/he was taking care of themselves, unlike you.”
Entitlement “I deserved to be happy! What about my work, friendships, good name?”
Avoidance “We have talked about it already. How many times do I have to apologize?”
Some of the coping mechanisms presented by a betrayed spouse are:
Entitlement “I am not going to lift my finger, I do not need to change. You had an affair, you do the work!’
Shaming “You are just a !#$%&!”
Threatening “I will make sure that everyone knows what you did to me.”
Depression and Hopelessness “Why did I marry you? I will never be able to recover from this.”
These defensive coping mechanisms inevitably lead to the escalation of arguments and the development or exacerbation of pre-existing, rigid patterns of interaction in the relationship. The key elements of affair recovery are empathy, compassion, humility, and ownership of the hurt imposed on the partner. It is paramount for the injured partner to provide reassurance for the betrayed partner and to be able to hear the pain and sit in the hurt of the injured partner without trying to avoid or escape it. Once the partners have de-escalated their relationship conflict, moved through their defensive mechanisms, and uncovered underlying hurt, they can move toward having bonding conversations and healing the trust within the relationship. The Attachment Injury Repair Model, formulated by Sue Johnson, proposes steps that both partners need to go through to forgive, rebuild trust and heal from the affair. Depending on the relationship and the severity of the injury caused by the affair, the partners may have to complete the following steps multiple times over an extended period.
1. The hurt partner needs to speak about his or her hurt as openly and simply as possible. The hurt partner talks about the partner’s affair and its impact on him on her from a place of hurt, sadness, rejection, abandonment, and fear.
2. The injured partner stays emotionally present and acknowledges the wounded partner’s pain and his/her part in it. The injured partner provides acknowledgment and validation of the injured partner’s hurt and shows compassion and empathy.
3. The hurt partner expresses the attachment significance of the injury and the meaning he or she made about it. The hurt partner may talk about feeling like her/his needs did not matter to the injuring partner or that the injuring partner’s affair confirmed the hurt partner’s fear of unlovability or unattractiveness.
4. The injured partner takes ownership of how he/she inflicted this injury on the hurt partner and expresses regret and remorse. The straying partner may for example express a sincere apology or talk about emotions that he/she feels as a result of causing the injury.
5. The injured partner identifies and asks for what he/she needs right now to bring closure to the trauma of the affair. The need is usually about asking the straying partner to respond differently than he/she would respond before the affair, during the disclosure or discovery of the affair, or the initial stages of the recovery process.
6. Both partners create a new story that captures the injury event, how it happened, eroded trust and connection, and most importantly how the couple successfully tackled the injury and healed from it.
The affair recovery process can be long and complicated. Affairs are perceived by the human brain as threats to attachment bonds and survival. Discovery of the partner’s affair triggers a set of biologically wired protective mechanisms and defensive actions. Most couples who decide to stay together after the affair, need a therapist to guide them through the process of healing, as the defensive mechanisms occur instinctually and activate outside of one’s conscious awareness.
For many individuals, the discovery of the partner’s affair touches on pre-existing attachment fears and insecurities. For others, the discovery of an affair is experienced as traumatic stress that undermines their sense of safety in themselves, the world, and their romantic partners. Defense mechanisms that protect individuals from experiencing further hurt, become a block to the affair healing process in the long term. Both partners need to put in work, change the rigid and repetitive patterns of interaction, become vulnerable, and share the hurt with each to be able to have bonding conversations and restore the emotional connection after the affair.
Written By Marcelina Grynechko, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Associate
All through April we are highlighting resources around Affair Recovery. If you or a loved one need professional support, our counselors at Mathews Counseling are available for appointments. Request to book today!
