So, say you’ve found yourself in the middle of your worst relationship nightmare…
Your partner has had an affair. Do you find yourself extremely emotionally distraught, weighing all options and trying to determine if you can recover, and if so, how? How will you ever trust again? How will you ever have peace?
While it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, with professional help, willingness to try from both partners and implementation of boundaries, there is indeed a path forward to where things will get better. Establishing boundaries is our way of protecting ourselves. Boundaries allow us to set limits and rules within relationships, which align with our values and personal needs for self-happiness. If you find yourself struggling with infidelity recovery, here are some key boundary ideas that may be helpful to implement:
- Seek professional help. While couples therapy only works if both partners are actively willing to engage, it is fair to create a boundary regarding seeking couples therapy to help in navigating this situation. While your mom, sister, or best friend may have experienced infidelity and feel they have all the right answers on how to move forward, infidelity recovery is not a “one size fits all” process. Trained professionals provide a wide range of knowledge to help understand more about the relationship dynamic, relational history, and other facilitate guided conversations. We not only assist with recovering from the infidelity, but we can also help identify what is needed to improve overall marital satisfaction. You do not have to do this alone; we are here to help!
- Transparency. Full transparency after an affair is completely normal and necessary for healing. Having conversations with your spouse about the level of transparency that you need to help you heal is the first step. This could be access to cell phones, locations, or more frequent check-ins throughout the day.
- Limit talks about the affair. While the affair may be at the forefront of your mind, it is important to agree on when and how you will discuss the affair. When the desire to talk about the affair arises make your partner aware and try to limit these discussions to 15-20 minutes. This method is done to prevent the affair from continuing to hold power over the relationship and instead allows you the ability to work on self-soothing to recover from the intense emotions that will resurface while discussing the situation.
- Take your time. Understand that it’s okay, not to be okay. It is perfectly normal to feel super close to your partner one minute and then experience a trigger the next (whether it be a tv commercial, a song on the radio, or even the smell of a certain scent) and immediately need a little space. While this can leave you feeling emotionally unstable, it is perfectly normal. In these moments, express to your partner what happened and what it is you may need at that moment. If time is needed, I encourage you to work on self-soothing to prevent ruminating on the bad and take steps to help move you into a more neutral state.
- Cut off all Communication with the Affair Partner. While this one may seem like a no-brainer, it is important to make it very clear that ALL communication with the affair partner must cease immediately. Healing cannot fully begin until this very critical step is established and maintained.
Affair recovery is tough, but it is a fact that with the right boundaries in place and professional help, your relationship can heal. If you find yourself in this situation, please do not hesitate to reach out to one of our well-trained couples therapists here at Mathews Counseling. We are here for you!
Written By Dr. Adaria Warner, LMFT
All through April we are highlighting resources around Affair Recovery. If you or a loved one need professional support, our counselors at Mathews Counseling are available for appointments. Request to book today!
