You high school was probably not like my high school. I can almost guarantee it. The school was never larger than 300 students, kindergarten through 12th grade combined. My class never had more than 18 people in it and was considered the large class. It relied on parents and teachers coming together to pull it off and part of that meant bringing in guest teachers on specific subjects to give us a more well-rounded experience.
There was the parent who came in to teach drama and put on plays no one had ever heard of. There was the summer camp director who came in to substitute one day and became so frustrated he through a garbage can across a room. And then there was my personal favorite, the old farmer who would come in to teach us about animal life by having us reach blindly into a mysterious paper bag to identify its contents. Always those contents were parts of a cow I would have rather the cow have kept to herself.
One lesson sticks with me from those visiting teachers. It was a visual science lesson on mass and volume. The teacher laid out a table large and medium sized rocks, some pebbles, and some sand. He then produced a clear glass container and asked us if the rocks and pebbles and sand would all fit inside. He would try putting the sand in first and then the pebbles and then the medium rocks and finally the large rocks which would inevitably overflow the container. He then showed us how, if you started with the biggest rocks and worked you way down to the sand, everything would fit comfortably.
This became more than a lesson about mass and volume to me. It became a lesson about priorities. The most important things in life should come first.
When people get married, they usually make a vow of some kind implying their relationship is important, some kind of promise to make the relationship a priority. The longer the relationship goes on, the harder this is. As life unfolds, everything else gets placed ahead of it. Work, kids, kids’ soccer games, girl scouts, those new Netflix shows that are not going to watch themselves, going to the gym, shining that nice new car you just got, and on and on.
On average, couples spend 150 minutes together every day. 50 of those minutes are spent watching TV, 30 eating, and 24 minutes on logistical things like housework and arguing over whose turn it is to put the kids to sleep. That leaves just 46 minutes together every day, if you are lucky. If you have kids or both partners work, those numbers go down. And not all those minutes are spent talking to each other. In fact, dual income couples on average spend only 35 minutes per week talking to each other, about each other.
Relationships simply cannot thrive without time together. But when it comes to our time, the relationship is the first one to get bumped from the schedule.
I doubt many want to prioritize their job or their hobbies or their kids over their spouse but the biggest indicator of what is important to us is where we spend our time. And while most do not say it out loud, a lack of time together sends the message to my spouse that she is not a high priority in my life.
I am more motivated to change this when I begin to take a long-term view. If in 5 years I had more of whatever it was I was spending my time on but did not have my wife, would it have been worth my time? Of course the answer is no. But if my relationship does not have time, if it does not become more of a priority, the odds of my relationship failing go way up.
The argument that usually follows when I bring this up to couples is a familiar one: “I know we need time together. But I just don’t know how we can fit it all in.” Yes, there are so many demands on our time, and some very legitimate demands. After all, time with my spouse means time away from something else. And yes, we may have to sacrifice in some area, but I think the lesson of the big rocks first can be of help here.
When we start with scheduling in time together, when that big rock goes into our calendars first, other things can fit in easier. Before we schedule time with the guys, or plan that girls weekend, or commit to 20 straight weekends at the soccer park with the kids, we schedule time together. Other commitments then get scheduled around that.
Time together must be defended. We must fight for it. Nothing gets scheduled over top of it and it only gets bumped in absolute emergencies. Other things will try to push them out but if our relationship is a priority, then we learn how to say no.
