I love a good villain. I think we all do. There is something about Hannibal Lector or Voldermort or The Wicked Witch of the West that draw us into the story. In fact, the better the villain, the better the story.
Darth Vader from Star Wars may be my favorite villain of all time. He is dark, ominious, and had that voice of pure evil. He was instantly iconic.
Except they ruined him. In the Star Wars prequel triology, they took one of the baddest mamajama’s of all time and asked us to have sympathy for him. “Oh, look. He’s really just a rascally kid in need of a mentor!” No, thank you!
Villains in movies are great. Villains in our relationships, on the other hand, are dangerous.
As humans, we tend to put the most effort into doing whatever it takes to survive. For the most part, we have moved past daily effort to survive things like being eaten by a wild animal or being carried off by a warring tribal group. But so often we turn our survival instincts toward the ones we love. We become constantly defensive, looking for any aspect of our relationship threating to harm us. The more we are hurt, the more defensive we become.
When my wife hurts me, it’s so much easier to see her actions as villainous; easier to see them in black and white, good versus evil terms. The problem with this false dichotomy is that villains can only ever act like villains. It does not work to try to see Darth Vader as a young sempering tot. I know what he becomes. So when my wife occupies the same space in my mind as ole Darth, suddenly she’s weilding a lightsaber, using her evil Jedi mind tricks and Force grips to compel me to pick up my dirty underwear. I see her as being out to get me and it makes it almost impossible to see her good intention.
But ascribing her good intention is exactly what I must do for my marriage to work; for it to be what we both want it to be. She has to see me as good intentioned and I have to see her as good intentioned. I must believe her actions, even if they hurt me, ultimately come from a place where she desires the best for our marriage. I have to believe she, like me, is doing the best she can with what she’s got.
When I strive to think this way her actions make more sense, and I can put myself more in her shoes. She no longer is the leader of an evil Empire out to destroy my way of life and the freedom I hold dear. Instead she is my partner who is tired of picking up after me and my filthy drawers, who is working as hard as I am to make our life together run smoothly (and make sure I have clean underwear!). I am reminded of her inherent goodness and of the plethora of reasons why I am with her in the first place.
Seeing the good intention in my wife, however, does not mean neither of us get hurt or give up our rights to give voice to that hurt. We still get to ask for change to happen and draw boundaries in our relationships that makes sense to us. Rather every act does not incite rebellion and ones that do become easier to talk about. My wife listens to and understands my hurt better when she does not feel villainized and I can hear her better in return.
When I ascribe good intent to my wife, Darth Vader is free to live in the movies and I’m more likely to act on the request of my good intentioned partner by picking the underwear off the floor!
Questions to get you moving:
- What ways have you unintentionally villainized your spouse or partner?
- What good intention can you find in their actions if you put yourself in their shoes?
