In part two of this three part blog series, I present some exceptionally common reasons why therapy would be beneficial.
There are some things I simply cannot be objective about:
- My children – They are the cutest, smartest, cleverest, whatever-est in the world. And if you cannot see that truth, I am not sure what to do with you.
- Broccoli – It’s the devil’s weed. There can be no debate against this. (Editors note: My wife is insisting I mention the nutritional value of broccoli and how my cute kids should eat it. Whatever.)
- Clowns – Denizens of evil disguised as children’s entertainment. If this is not your worst nightmare, please contact me immediately as you obviously need intense therapy.
Like most people, I also cannot be objective about my problems. I think the objectivity challenge is a common one. We are, of course, the worst evaluators of our problems. We can exaggerate them to the point of catastrophe or undersell them to the point of denial. I often hear clients confidently claim their problems will surely be the worst I’ve heard. Others claim the issue clearly causing them the most problems is the one not to be addressed. We have no good mirror for our problems. They cannot be pointed out like a stain on our shirt or food in our teeth. And the more complicated the problem, the more difficult it is to see properly.
Identifying the problem without an objective lens proves to be tricky. But identifying the problem is a crucial first step. Sometimes everyone around us can see the problem, claiming it to be “obvious”. This obviousness often fails to be apparent because we are so enmeshed in the problem we cannot see ourselves apart from it. Instead it clings to us like a bad scent and soon we grow accustom to the smell. We then lament how we have tried everything and nothing works. In reality we are not addressing the real problem and instead address symptoms. Lack of objectivity often leads us try and solve the wrong problem.
Our problems are so intensely personal we often grow defensive and start shooting fiery arrows every which way, looking for someone or something to blame. Rationality escapes us and our emotions run wild. We grow myopic, zeroing in on one person or one issue. We then make bold, absolutist declarations:
“If only husband would completely change and actually care about our relationship!”
“If my jerk of a boss would not be so self-centered!”
“If only my wife would recognize all our problems would be solved by never eating brocolli again!”
Lack of objectivity gives rise to blame and anger.
Without objectivity we can have difficulty seeing the nature of our problems. We move to extreme either/or scenarios. We reduce complicated problems down to oversimplified cliches. We blow up simple problems with simple solutions into armageddon. We deny the problem is even exists. None of these positions help to solve the problem. The only solutions we see often present themselves in a false dichotomy as well, with neither option looking to attractive. “Either I live in a loveless marriage or divorce and leave my kids.” “Either I stay in this terrible job I hate or I starve to death on the street.” Lack of objectivity moves us to extremes and leaves us feeling as if we have no options.
You need therapy to help restore objectivity to how you see your problem.
Therapy can:
1. Identify the real problem and help you see it for what it is. Therapy helps you see what you are really fighting as well as the good that still exists. Solutions then can be more effective and useful.
2. Therapy helps reduce blame and restores balance between your thinking brain and emotion brain. You need an outside voice to honor your emotions swirling around the problem, but help you not act out of those emotions.
3. Therapy adds options to the either/or. It allows for new options to be explored and keeps you from being stuck with the unappealing choices you see. By seeing the problem for what it is, therapy creates space to find new avenues of healing and sparks unthought of solutions.
Therapy restores an element of objectivity in your effort to find solutions. Unless your problem is clowns. No need for objectivity with clowns.
